Knee-jerk Response to The Card Player

I was so disappointed with “The Card Player” (2004) that I didn’t let myself write the review for days. I wanted to cool down, assess it calmly and then judge whether I still felt it was as bad as it seemed. It is.

Almost everything I’ve watched of Argento’s work from 1996’s “Stendhal Syndrome” onward, has been a complete failure. This is so massively frustrating because his work in the 70’s and 80’s is so brilliant. Argento introduced me to the giallo and has given me my favorite example, “Deep Red” (1975), and it should be a good thing that he continues to work even to this day. The truth is that he simply tarnishes his reputation which each new lame entry.

“The Card Player” is an excellent example of his inability to make his recent films work. The premise is pretty good: a psychotic killer captures girls and forces the police to play poker online for their lives. Most horrifying of all, the killer broadcasts a web-cam of the victim as the game takes place. Not only are the stakes high, but the engagement with modern technology and changing ideas about media and information is a noble effort. The film, however, never once lives up to the possibilities.

The first major problem is simply the choice of poker. Five card draw poker. The choice was probably made because the rules were widely understood by audiences and it could cash in on the enormous online poker craze of the early 2000’s. However, the selection is a poor one because there is no betting, no strategy, no psychological element of bluffing or reading your opponents face or learning their style.

The protagonists, Italian detective Anna Mari and British cop John Brennan (Liam Cunningham wishing he were Jean Reno), find a young ace poker player to battle against the killer. They argue over which moves to make and often play very risky. This makes no sense whatsoever, because even if the law enforcement capitulated to the demands to play online poker for someone’s life, they’d at least be smart enough to always play the most intelligent hand. Poker is a finite game with precise odds that can be easily calculated. In 2004 there were already dozens of online scripts and programs that could tell them the best move within seconds. They should NEVER risk doing anything but exchanging the optimal combination of cards.

Maybe it’s because I’m a computer science grad, but the technical ignorance of all the characters (including the requisite techno-babble spouting, obese nerd) is astounding and annoying. Deep into the movie Argento reveals that one of the previous rounds of the “unhackable” poker game was pre-recorded somehow (it knew which choices they were going to make and how long they would pause to think?) opening up plot chasms like he was strip mining.

The movie really needed a game that has skill, strategy, style, psychological elements and/or nondeterministic behavior. Chess comes to mind as a far superior choice, but why not use a first-person-shooter like “Half-Life” or the “Unreal Tournament” series? It would be even better suited to the technology/violence themes and would allow for all sorts of social commentary, irony and nuance. Think of the graphic matching and cross-cutting possibilites! At least the gameplay would give us something mildly interesting to watch and the audience could think about how they might handle the game.

I’m harping on the poker issue a lot because it’s central to the film’s entire structure, but it really isn’t the only reason to hate this film. The characters are flat and lifeless. The pacing is terrible with long tedious stretches and choppy, forced action sequences. The story makes little sense and individual events feel loosely connected. It’s as if the characters were being jerked around by some unseen chains just to get them to one location or another. The red herring is painfully obvious. The killer’s identity is totally arbitrary (I don’t even remember there being a motive) and his acting induces a permanent cringe away from the screen. The final showdown is ridiculous and contrived in a way that reminds me of bad made-for-TV teen thrillers.

The only nice things I can say about the movie are that the techno music was OK, if uninspired and derivative. Also the cinematography and the few interesting set locations (most of the film is shot in an under-decorated police office in front of a computer) were decent, though long gone are the creative camera positions. The acting for the two main protagonists could have been worse.

Avoid this film (you were probably already doing so). Argento needs his old talent and some new ideas. Hopefully his upcoming “The Third Mother” (2007) will do exactly that, but "The Card Player" gives me no reason to think so.